Another 24 hours another movie.
If you haven’t seen this yet, you would’ve seen it at some point.
That is a video of me playing the OPM Demo of Guitar Hero 2, and rocking out hard.
Normally, for those of you who know me, I’m usually a hundred thousand times more awesome, but 1up.com had a Guitar Hero video contest with some Sick McNasty prizes so I toned it down a bit, got Brandon, Kevin, and Daniel together and we recorded a video. We posted it to GameVideos.com and also YouTube with no advertising and little fanfare besides a link from the Awful forums and my friends passing it around on AIM, and then bam! Now I’m a C-list internet celebrity – not known by name or even recognized by sight, but instead, referred to in hushed whispers as “that one Asian guitar hero kid” by anonymous strangers at a Best Buy in Boston (thanks Chris).
The YouTube video is at 85,000 hits, and i-am-bored.com linked to it recently, rightfully deeming me a “Guitar Hero God” who probably gets all the chicks, providing another 15,000 hits. All in all that’s over 100,000 people on the internet who have gotten together, watched this video, and are calling me a “fag,” “no life loser,” who should “play the real guitar instead,” and has also “never kissed a girl,” nor “gotten laid,” and is in serious danger of “severe beatdowns” hand delivered by internet tough guys across the world.
Of course, there are plenty of people who understand the joke and the fun in the video, but their numbers are far outweighed by those whose primitive minds don’t quite grasp the irony of spending hours a day surfing YouTube videos and firing off their neurons to produce golden comments like “get a life” and “do something productive.”
To any of those tools who might be reading this right now – I am heterosexual and find no problems with homosexuality and am strongly supportive of gay rights, I play the real guitar quantifiably four and two-thirds times better than you or your best friend can, I have kissed girls that are statistically eight times hotter than your mom, and I have never gotten laid – girls get laid by me.
My penis has been classified by military historians as a Bismarck class battleship, and was indirectly responsible for the death of Robert Kennedy and is worth approximately eighty four First Edition Black Lotus Magic: The Gathering Cards in Mint Condition, each signed by Richard Garfield and deceased president James Garfield.
My guitar also is the key to the city of Reno, Nevada, and is unable to produce any sound that isn’t the mating cry of a wild stallion.
One of my discarded Jazz III picks was recently auctioned by Sotheby’s for a closing price of $12. However, the winner of the auction, upon handling the pick, had his arm immediately amputated by rogue Islamic terrorists posing as auction bidders. The whereabouts of this pick are currently unknown.
I have fought a man twice my size, and won the fight using only the powers of negotiation I learned from the book: “Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In“
My left testicle was present at the Treaty of Versailles, and was recorded to have said “Maybe we ought to keep an eye on Germany, you know, just in case.”
Four out of seven Buddhist Lamas agree that I am in fact the first “Bodhisattva of Rock.”
These are all facts, verified by independant impartial sources. For those who are reading this, I’m truly sorry that you can never be as awesome or hard rocking as I am. There are other things you can try to do with your life – I recommend needlework or quilting or basketball. I’m not very good at those.
